im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
