I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I got inside last night via doggy door
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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