His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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