I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I see more hoeing in ur future
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
