what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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