It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
