i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize