Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
