rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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