Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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