whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
