Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
