I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
