I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
