I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
