oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Send help, water and tortillas.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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