so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
