My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
