I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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