guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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