Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
