he puts the penis in happiness.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
