he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
