And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
