Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
