I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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