I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Randomize
