Don't you send me to vm
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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