Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
