I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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