either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we made out on top of his cat.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
