I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize