Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
