My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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