I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
