Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
