I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
