you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize