She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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