Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
last night I used snow as a chaser
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