Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
