I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
