You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize