you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
