I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
