You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
