Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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