I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
