I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
