I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
