I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
