My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
