i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
